"Out here in the field..... "

.......I feel so alone.
One might ask themselves how it is possible to feel alone, when there are obviously people around who care. Anything is possible. There are many dimensions of loneliness - most not limitted the the physical surroundings by other people. It depends on what kind of person you are. Some people only feel lonely and left out when there aren't enough people around. I think it's possible to feel the most lonely in a room full of people - and it can be a room full of people who you know really care about you. You feel the most lonely when no matter how hard you try to explain your thoughts, feelings, and opinions to others and they just don't get it.

the simple things you see are all complicated..

Is it possible to have your reactions and emotions so stereotyped that you've backed yourself into a corner? Although there are ways out of the corner, you're so shocked to find yourself there that you can't see the way out? When you do, it looks so difficult that you'd rather just sink into the floor and pray everything just goes away?

I just finished reading "Fall On Your Knees" by Ann-Marie MacDonald. It was good. It was a hard story to choke down. It was frustrating. It was depressing. It was like watching a car accident about to happen, and you just can't look away. It was an Oraph Book Club Book. That, I would have never expected. The woman deserves more credit that I've been giving her lately.

It made me think about religion - since many of the characters are devoutely catholic. Lately I think I've been giving more and more into my atheistic side (if you can even put it that way). It's not that I don't believe in God, because I do. It's just that I find it hard to think that I supposedly believe in the same God that makes other people believe in such strange and unjust things. Religion seems to blind a great deal of people (or atleast a number of very active, public people) to deny other human beings basic rights. My thoughts are too complicated to even write down.

"He stands like a statue, becomes part of the machine."

For those who will find it note-worthy, and for those of you that don't already know.. We're not moving to Nelson. In retro-spect it's hard to believe I thought it was a good idea. It all became clear last Friday night. It's easier to tell when you've made the wrong descision that when you've made the right one. It feels a lot better when you've figured it all out and you realize what is in your best interests.

So to dissapoint the so-called "Vancouver Alliance" I heard a rumor about - I found Sean and I an apartment here in Victoria. It's got all hardwood floors and is possibly bigger than what we have now. It's ok to have Herms and I don't even have to pay a pet deposit! Wooo wee.



I know it sucks to find a job - but it's going to work out, it's going to be ok.
I've worked hard at mine, to get where I've gotten and I can't let myself feel it was all for nothing.


........................... I like my chosen lyrics tonight.